Things I learned while shopping in the suburbs today

1. If you wear a white dress shirt and tie at IKEA, people will think you work there - even though the people who do work there wear yellow and blue shirts - and will ask you where the bathrooms are.

2. Should Matt Sorum’s drumming career go by the wayside, he has a bed-making business to fall back on.

3. Nothing is so wonderful that it can’t be ruined by forming it into a “puff.”

4. It’s really fucking easy to steal someone’s purse in Hollywood.

5. Our country has an unacceptable ladies’ undergarment mortality rate that could be reduced drastically if only we’d all take the simple step of placing them in plastic snowballs.